


Dear Delphine

by sapphicqueens



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Letters, Love, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 09:04:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4342445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicqueens/pseuds/sapphicqueens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through her whole life will Delphine appear in Cosima's mind. She keeps her close by telling Delphine how her life is going through these letters she writes every now and then. Years go by and still her love for the brilliant french scientist never falters and she refuse to believe there is no way for Delphine to be in her life; even if not in a physical way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Dear Delphine,_

_Tomorrow it’s been four months since I last saw you. Since I heard your voice. Since you kissed me. I should have known something was up at ”unfortunately I can’t stay”. I should have asked why your eyes were suddenly filled with tears and I should have told you to confide in me when you wanted me to give my sisters all your love. We were having this victory dinner in there, you know, celebrating Alison but we also celebrated our victory against Castor. When we should have raised our glasses to you._

_I realize now who the real hero was all this time, the one who couldn’t stop fighting for us, the one I broke my heart with just to keep all of us safe. All this time, it was you. Now when I know how much of an ass I was towards you those last too few weeks of your all too short life, I wish I could just rewind. That’s a very cliché thing to say and something I’ve never really understood until now. I want to rewind so I can go up to your office with Duncan’s book and you would sit there with that stern boss ass bitch face you had suddenly mastered and I would give it to you. I would tell you everything and maybe, just maybe, you could have joined me in our lab and maybe we could have made some crazy science together and then maybe you would still be here. Maybe I would feel your thumb stroking my hand, the hand that is now writing this letter. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten that phone call that left me without you._

_I remember one day. It was not a beautiful day; the sun wasn’t shining and it wasn’t very warm outside. I had kept you awake all night with my coughing and I remember feeling so guilty when I saw dark circles under you sleepy eyes. You told me that it was okay and then you kissed my forehead before walking to the kitchen to make us tea. We spent the day in bed and you read for me. I didn’t understand anything because the book was in french but I didn’t care. I just wanted to hear your voice, and frankly, that was enough to put me to sleep. I fell under a deep slumber with my head in your lap and you were playing with one of my dreads while your rolling ’r’’s filled the room. I remember the last thing on my mind was how it didn’t matter that I was sick, how it didn’t matter that you were my monitor and how it didn’t matter that I was someone’s experiment. I felt like me, little non-scientist Cosima just resting in bed with her girlfriend. My mind wasn’t occupied with nucleic acids and Dolly the sheep, it was occupied with your words I couldn’t understand and the way the sun made your hair shine and the way your brows furrowed when you were reading. I can’t remember any other day when I’ve felt like that before. Like nothing mattered except you. Okay yes, there were two other occasions._

_There was this other day when you and I were alone. We had eaten eskimo pies and your lips were cold and your smile was warm when you said I was being cheeky again. Your fingers were absentmindedly playing with my dreads (again) and I started to play with your curls. They felt like silk slipping through my fingers and for a while there I wondered if it was possible to grow hair made out of spun gold. Now I know that it was your heart all along that was made out of gold. Anyway, we sat in this park on this bench when this little girl came up to us and asked us if we were gay. You giggled and told her that I was your girlfriend. The girl then said that she had two mommies but that we had prettier hair than them, like it was just a thing she talked about with her moms. That was the day I started daydreaming about a future with you. I could see us, two successful scientists, working together to cure me and other women with the same symptoms. I also saw a little me and a little you, running between our legs, tripping over the way too large lab coats they had stolen from us. I then started thinking if we would adopt or if you maybe would have wanted to carry a mini you. Didn’t we eat more eskimo pie that day?_

_The third and the last time I felt like nothing mattered except you was when I almost died. Then Kira brought me back and you were gone._

_Today three months ago was the last day I showed any type of symptom. I’m barely coughing and I can run without my lungs collapsing in a bloody mess. Scott and I have been doing a lot of stem cell research and I suppose all this struggle is finally paying off. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be healthy but it feels… good. Just good. I still wonder how you would have smiled and if we would have ”borrowed” some money from DYAD to pay for two bottles of wine to celebrate. It seems like that’s our thing, right? DYAD providing us with mediocre wine. Maybe you could have put your french skills to use let me taste that fancy shit I’m sure you preferred._

_I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. It seemed like the right thing to do. Alison is still a suburban mom and Sarah is still punk rock mom with an accent and Helena is still Helena. Felix still always knows what to say when I don’t and Scott has still only been to Comic Con once. I don’t know if I am still. Well I still go to the lab every day, take samples, look at other samples, I think and figure things out but I feel like I’m not really me. I care about everything too much, instead. If you and I were supposed to be some beautiful love story, it’s not cliché because I haven’t lost myself by losing you. More like realizing stuff I didn’t really want to know about myself maybe. It’s not that I don’t feel like me because there’s no you left but with you I didn’t care. Perhaps that’s why I write this. Because with you, nothing else really mattered and I miss that. I miss thinking that every problem I had never really mattered. And I miss you. A lot._

 

_Love_

_Cosima_


	2. Spin my world again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't really know anything about Shinya Yamanaka's work and how the patent thing works around that. 
> 
> Also, you should listen to Brand New's the boy who blocked his own shot that is mentioned in here.

 

_June 20th, 2016_

 

_Dear Delphine,_

  _So much has happened this past year. So much has happened since your body kinda started to return to stardust. I have been healthy for almost a year. I run three times a week now because I’ve never appreciated a pair of functioning lungs as much as I do now. Helena’s baby arrived just a few months ago and that woman is literally a mama bear with her kid. The baby’s healthy and screaming like it’s the end of the world as soon as she wants something. Sarah and Cal are getting married (I know, it’s so weird to see her all domestic). I don’t know if you ever found out but Alison and her husband were drug dealers last year and I don’t know if they have something going on again. She acts more nervous and stiff than she usually does and I swear non of their jobs pay enough to get a Lamborghini. It’s a wonder they’re still alive and free. I have this feeling that Scott and Felix are crushing on each other. At least Scott looks at Felix like he must be one of his figurines coming to life. They got an entertaining chemistry._

_I could ask you how you’re doing but I really really want an answer so I won’t. Since you’re unable to answer. I hope at least that wherever you are, you are good. That you’re not suffering for your sins or whatever it is you’re supposed to do when you’re dead. At least you got rid of us, right? No silly clone doing God knows what behind your back, you don’t need to clean up our mess anymore. I’m happy that you don’t because the Neolutionists are more annoying than ever. We haven’t heard much from them but I sometimes get this feeling that I’m being monitored again. Like not DYAD monitored but more like someone is standing in the dark creeping on me. Sarah met one of them. Not the creeps but someone showed up at her door and wanted to make some deal about DNA and ovaries and whatnot. Helena made sure he didn’t come back._

_One day Scott and I actually managed to reverse fully developed cells back to stem cells. You know, just what Shinya Yamanaka won the Nobel prize for some years back. I met him and got the chance to work with him for a few weeks. Those weeks were the hardest to get through. Every thing I saw, every experiment every sample, you were there. You stood by my side, correcting me, telling me to think of it this way and that way. You guided me. I swear I could smell you, I swear I felt your breath on my ear as you leant down to whisper me something. As much as I enjoyed being there, learning all of the secrets about stem cells, it was also the most painful time I’ve endured since you died. Dammit Delphine, you should’ve been there! You would’ve freaked out and you would’ve loved it. Delphine, Delphine, Delphine. Dr Cormier. Damn you._

_Alison invited me for dinner yesterday. It was delicious and the night was just what I needed. Kinda. Smoked salmon, potatoes and vegetables and some white wine based sauce. Probably the most delicious home cooked meal I’ve had since Kira’s birthday dinner. Oh right, Kira has suddenly become really interested in science. She’s a clever little kid but Sarah wished she would stop talking geek. She blames me, as she should because I’m the one teaching her. Obvs. Well back to the dinner. There I sat, enjoying this dinner when I see Gemma and Oscar chasing each other. Gemma was mad because Oscar had cheated in some game and now she wanted to throw stuffed animals at him. Alison got up and tried to scold them and Donnie tried to catch Gemma. I don’t know if you know how that family is but it’s perfectly chaotic. And I still can’t get over the dream of you and I and our two children doing exactly that. Being perfectly chaotic._

_Felix teased me because I couldn’t reach the top shelf in his apartment. He thinks he’s funny when he asks me if I wanted a box to stand on or maybe some help. He then grabbed the book I was reaching for and held it above his head as if he was twelve years old or something. I know you would have helped him. He would have tossed the book to you (I’m sure he would get over his grudge against you) and you would’ve held it out of my reach as well and call me puppy again. Let me tell you one thing, you’re the puppy. You will always be the puppy. But then I would’ve won you over to my side with my immaculate seducing skills because I know you loved it when I begged. I might be the cheeky one maybe but you sure as hell were the kinky one, Dr Cormier._

_Now I’m in Felix’s loft, I’m alone and it’s warm outside. I’m thinking about taking a walk and listen to some music and miss you some more. Even though this letter has been just a jumble of nonsense and slightly covered in my charm, it hurts like a bitch to write. You feel closer than ever and that’s why I will keep writing these letters that I will never send. I was listening to Brand New’s The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot and I feel like that’s our angsty relationship theme, you know what I mean? It’s so painfully us and so accurately everything I feel about us. All the lies that never should have happened, all the words and all the fucking drama. But you know what, that’s us and I think if we were given the chance to continue our story, I think we would have gotten out stronger than ever. You won’t get more cheese out of me, sorry. I think it’s time to take that walk now. Maybe I should buy a dog?_

 

_Love_

_324B21_

 


	3. If We Were Married

_January 3rd, 2017_

_Dear Delphine,_

_Do you know how… Uhm.. Energetic my family is? Especially during holidays. I spent Christmas and New Year’s Eve at Alison’s with her family, Helena and the babka baby and Sarah and just about everyone else in this strange family that I adore. We even invited Krystal, she’s a gem (please take note of my pun). Never a quiet moment. But I loved it. Children everywhere, Felix and I acted like the true aunt and uncle I feel like we’re born to be, can you believe it? I am the cool lesbian aunt! Gemma now believes Santa actually is an alien with a strange fixation for human traditions (but that doesn’t make Santa less of a cool person) and Oscar and I ended up in a heated discussion whether Armstrong actually walked on the moon. Long story for another day. Anyhow, I sat there and I’d been laughing until it hurts and I felt so at home and normal. Alison is even cool enough with the clone stuff that she (SHE!!!) makes jokes about us! Well, where I was sitting squeezed in between Sarah and Felix, I had a perfect view of all of us. But you were missing. I started wondering where you would fit in in this wild family. You would. You would sit there with a smile on your face as Kira would geek out over her biology homework with you and you would blush as Felix teased about two particular flustered scientists he found in the lab, at the wrong time. Maybe your belly would have been huge and hands would touch your tummy to feel our baby kicking. You would compliment Alison on her cooking and your beautiful laughter would make me squeak. Is it obvious that I miss you?_

_I haven’t gotten a puppy yet but I’m thinking about adopting one. I just need to get some things straight at the new lab I’m working at. What do you think I should name it? Maybe something that you would scoff at? Like maybe some greek god or goddess or maybe some Latin term from our field. Or maybe some comic book characters, you know how much I love Harley Quinn for example._

_About that lab, I don’t know if I told you I left DYAD. I just couldn’t be there when you weren’t and you were replaced by some sneaky ass man with too large clothes and a furry mustache that wiggled every time he exhaled. He was clever but he was not what DYAD needed; someone with innovation and a new perspective. You know, someone like you. Like you. You should still be there, head of DYAD.You are the reason I couldn’t stand being there because, you know what, the love seat still smelled of us._

_If we married, do you think any of us would change last name? I like the sound of Cosima Cormier, it sounds better than Delphine Niehaus but at the same time you do kinda sound badass. Mrs and Mrs Cormier-Niehaus or Niehaus-Cormier. Why do I do this to myself when I know that I will never carry your last name or you will never have mine? Why do I enjoy inflicting this pain on myself? I should go and check some notes from our latest project. Not think about the fat wedding you and I would have had. I bet you would look lovely in a big, fluffy dress that’d make me want to eat you like the big creamy marshmallow I know you are. Your hair would look amazing over all that lace and silk. Do you think I could pull off a nice suit? Or maybe I should dress in an equally fluffy dress? No I think I’d go for something less… extravagant. A shorter sleeveless number that would show off these guns. It would be flowy around my ankles and tight around the chest. It would be a dream and you would be a dream. It is a dream and you most certainly are just a dream._

_If ghosts are real this is your permission to haunt me. Or maybe not because I’d want your soul to move on and rest in peace. But if you were a ghost and you would haunt me around, I bet you’d be shaking your head every now and then. Like ”wtf Cos that’s not the correct… Why aren’t you listening to me?” and you would sigh and be all ”jfc Cosima” but you’d also find me adorable and then you would somehow show me the correct of whatever incorrect I did. Please, haunt my ass and make me miss you more._

_Felix think I should meet someone. But I don’t know, the last time he set me up with someone, drama from hell broke loose. As you might remember. Also Scott has jumped on that train, trying to get me to go out for a drink and be gay. Scott and Felix are a thing now, by the way. I caught them kissing once in the lab. What those labs are exposed to… Anyway, Scott was nervous as usually and Felix rolled his eyes and kissed him again to make a statement and I rolled my eyes and carried on with my day. I don’t know if I’m ready yet but Felix just think I should ”find a nice lesbo and shag her”. He one day had enough of my lonely bum and said that he didn’t like telling people cheesy stuff but that I needed to hear that you’d want me to move on. And I guess he’s right but I still can’t see myself with someone other than you. Every time I try to imagine a future family, you’re there or there’s no one at all._

_The nights are the worst, or maybe mornings when I have a day off. Okay definitely the mornings.  Do you want to know why? Because every goddamn morning when I wake up all alone, I automatically reach out for you. I roll over just as if I was supposed to wrap my arms around you and find your neck amongst all that glorious hair just to kiss your neck and hear you murmur something incoherent in your sleep. Did you know that you sometimes talked in your sleep? I have no idea what because it was all in french but still, it was really cute. I miss that, I miss your little morning voice. I loved the way it broke in a hoarse whisper and I love the way you fitted so perfect in my arms even though I’m like two people shorter than you or something. Your skin was always so warm and comfortable… Oh god this is too much. Why am I whining about missing you?_

_Love,_

_Your geek monkey_

 


	4. And We Would

_May 26th 2018_

  _Dear Delphine,_

_I spend so much time in this lab I’m surprised I haven’t revealed anything that’s Nobel Prize worthy yet. Although, I don’t really know what I’m doing. I engineer stem cells and try to grow a neuron but I ended up cloning a cell of mine (I cracked Duncan’s code, I have the knowledge so clone a human (!!!!!)). The embryo started to divide so I freaked out but before I could terminate the experiment in panic, the cells died… A clone of me? What would that be? A clone-clone? Cloneception. Science is basically the coolest and the scariest thing in this world and you’re not a part of it anymore. Bummer. I hope you’re chilling with the J-man up there and that you’re having a good time. I also hope he’s not too mad at me for doing God’s work in my tiny lab._

_By the way, I adopted that dog. I named her Harley and she’s a mixed breed of everything. Harley likes chewing on my right shoes and left socks, bras are also tasty apparently and cats are scary and children are the joy of the world and food is nice to throw up on mommy’s floor (should’ve gone with Hurley instead). She’s a handful but do I love her! She got a blue eye and a brown spot above it that looks like an eyebrow. It’s hilarious when she’s confused cause the thing just bounce on her forehead like one of her rubber balls. She also has the world’s silkiest hair (after yours) but it’s a bitch to get clean after a day out in the mud. She would be constantly in your lap, craving you to pet her and cuddle and you would give in with a cute little frown on your face. Harley would yip and whine until you threw one of her toys. I know she would ignore it and end up giving dog kisses all over your face and you would looked grossed out but at the same time you wouldn’t stop laughing, which would only spur her little dog-snogging. And a few years later she would be the one trying to escape our little toddler kid’s chubby fingers and coos. Harley would be a great nurse and play friend for our kids. We would find her curled around a tiny sleeping body, fists digging into her hairs and she would look so happy and content being there. You should see her with Helena’s kid._

_Sarah is pregnant. Her belly is round and she looks amazing with that thing. We look good pregnant. Anyway, I’m going to become a godmother. Like, that’s huge and I’m so honored she wanted me to have such a huge role in her baby’s life. I’m going to protect the kid at all costs– but not without corrupting it Cosima style first. She’s going to have two little geek monkeys running around in her house whether she wants to or not. Sarah asked me about you, by the way. She wondered if I was fine and if I had gotten over you. I wanted to lie and say yes, I have gotten over you, but what good would that do? So I said that no, I’m still thinking about you every day and it gets a little easier to bear the pain. I told her that I have visited your grave a few times, well the hole in the ground that holds what remnants we could find of your life. Sarah understood, I think. She didn’t comment any further on it, just let me know that I have a family who would listen._

_Alison almost got caught carrying certain substances a few weeks ago. Luckily, I was there and since I don’t want my sister getting thrown in jail, I grabbed the pills and managed to fool the cop that it was my meds. I still have these awful cramps in my stomach (I ended up with endometriosis, not severe but it’s not nice) so I always carry painkillers with me. You know, I was worried that he wouldn’t believe me but as soon as you bring up periods, men will believe anything just to get away. Weaklings… Then I scolded Alison for being so reckless and it felt so weird to be the one doing the yelling with Alison on the receiving end. Like super weird and I don’t want to do it again. A guy also came up to us that day and asked us if we were twins and if we were up for a threesome. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Alison so mad before. She was furious and shouted at him that he was a disgusting lonely little man that needed to learn how to respect women and that sisterhood is a disgusting thing to sexualize. His face, oh man, his face! Priceless! He was scared shitless and I was worried there for a while that he’d actually shit his pants when the tiny hurricane that is Alison charged at him with a rant about feminism. I couldn’t have done it better myself. I’m proud to be her sis. And this is where you should mon dieu me and you should lay down with your head on my lap and you should tug at one of my dreads playfully and laugh at Alison. Then I would lean down and kiss you, I would tangle my fingers in your hair and we would–_

_Harley just peed on the floor. I think I should go out with her for the eleventh time today and maybe we will walk to the park and maybe we will pay Felix and Scott a visit (they’ve moved in together). You don’t want to know what kind of painting I found at Felix’s loft the other day. God I’m so lucky I’m lesbian. Anyway, they’ve really found each other. Who knew Scott was into guys? At least they take care of each other and I don’t want any of them to get hurt. I kinda threatened them both at the same time that I would take no shit from either of them if they hurt each other. What do you think? I know you and Felix had this weird tension going on but you gotta admit that the idea of Scott and Felix is a good looking one._

_I’m on the mission of getting my PhD again– I feel like I want that and it’s nice having that goal in my life. Especially since it feels like Clone Club is finally getting some space to breathe. No Neolutionists so far, it appears they’ve given up or something. Although, I’m still suspicious and I will not let my guard down. Neither will the rest of them. Art, Sarah’s cop friend, is trying to get information about Neolution and what they’re doing. Meanwhile. I’m a doctorate in Ontario, Sarah is pregnanting and Alison deals drug and Helena is a mother and Felix and Scott are probably fucking right now. Or ’shagging’ as Felix would put it. And you’re still dead._

_Alison is teaching me how to cook. Yeah one calm night I took out the frozen pizza to heat it up and afterwards I just decided that I can’t live like that anymore. Soo Alison was too excited at the thought of teaching me and now once a week we cook in my tiny apartment that barely has a kitchen. It’s hard but I’m learning. Today I’ll probably use the can of beans I found in the pantry and make a chili. I’m not living on french cuisine but this is waaaay better than those frozen pizzas. I thought about us in the kitchen! It would be a mess and it would be our two scientist heads just trying to think about sodium and its reaction to this and that and we’ll probably make something explode just because we can. Could. Just because we could._

_Harley is whining again, better let her out before she finds something to break._

_Love,_

_Cosima_


	5. Pauvre Petit Chiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes.

_November 13th 2018_

 

_Dear Delphine,_

 

_I just read through the old letters I’ve written to you and I realized how much I’ve changed. Before I met you I never thought about a future with anyone besides me and some dark dusty lab doing god knows what. Slowly and unknowingly you changed me into someone who started to care and dream about something as normal and mundane as children and a house and the white picket fence. I’ve always dreamt of being successful in my field and thanks to you, it’s happening, but now I’m dreaming of that and a family. When I told Felix about what I sometimes let myself envision, he looked at me as if I’d grown a boob in my face or something and almost as if he wanted to slap me. He asked me if I’d eaten anything or if I’d slept badly. Apparently, he was so shocked to hear the words ”dream”, ”married” and ”children” in the same sentence coming from me. That’s when I realized that wow, you were the one. Sarah, having heard of it from her brother, said that it was me maturing. I think Sarah is the only one who could understand this seeming as she was the least domesticated person I knew before Cal and wedding rings and yes it may be that I’m ”maturing” but I also believe that you were the one. If there is such a thing as the one._

_I taught Harley to play dead. You should see it, she’s so into it when I give her the commando. The only thing left to make it even funnier would be the tongue hanging from her mouth as she dramatically tumbles down. You would laugh and shake your head and I would no longer be the only ’pauvre petit chiot’  in our household. And hear this! Kira, the little mischief, asked if we could clone the dog because she wanted her own Harley! I couldn’t stop laughing when she asked me. Like, how has clones become this thing that’s just a normal part of our daily lives that it’s either the punchline of the most boring joke or just a casual wish my niece did as she seamlessly played with my dog. As a scientist, I am amazed and so very thankful that I got to be a part of this huge step in science. It’s revolutionary! But as a human, it’s so surreal. I still haven’t gotten used to think of myself as someones experiment, someones clone. One amongst hundreds. I told Kira that no, Sarah would probably kill me if you brought a dog home with you._

_Two days ago I broke down. It’s been three years since you became gone and I was looking through some stuff and I found this picture. It was of you being beautiful and you looked very french. You sat by my open window naked and you were smoking. The sun was rising and everything was slightly golden and orange. You had this solemn look on your face and your eyes told me you were somewhere else. I’ve never seen you more human. I know this is were I should have said you looked otherworldly or like a goddess or something but no, you looked so incredibly human. That day was a good day. Or the night had been a very good night and I remember seeing you sitting on the windowsill, not giving a single merde that you were naked in Minnesota. I snapped the picture with my last polaroid photo film and I remember thinking that I couldn’t have spent it on anything more better. But God Delphine you looked so photogenic we started laughing at it afterwards. I keep the photo in my copy of ”the Origin of Species” and now that I’m thinking about it, it’s kinda ironic._

_Sarah’s baby is due any time now. It’s gonna be a boy and we’re naming him Lucas. Scott and I wanted to name him Luke after that because we will introduce him to Star Wars. I think we’re gonna call him that anyway and have Sarah pissed at us because little Lucas will be confused later in life. I think Sarah won’t ever let us babysit again. I mean come on, we’re just expanding the kids’ horizon and creativity. We’re opening their minds to all the possibilities, right? It’s not like the kid will grow up in a normalcy anyway. And I bet Kira will do great job without my help. She’s already corrupted as it is._

_I am going away for a while. I’m going to Spain actually for a month to be alone. It’s gonna be a bit warmer there and hopefully I can get my mind off work and everything else. Like yes, the memory of you is slowly fading into a comforting warmth but it’s hard to forget that you’re no longer here. Also – I think_ _–_ _for some reason, that everything is finally catching up with me. We were stalked, threatened and my sisters were kidnapped and injected with a disease that would have killed me. On top of that I was sick and I almost died. My life has been wild the last five years, don’t you think? I deserve a vacation. The beach will do me good. Maybe some cocktails and nice swims and books. But the thing is, I can’t not help but think that I could be doing all of that with you. You are constantly there which makes everything so much harder and sometimes I get so mad that you’re not here. Delphine, you’re not fucking here. One time I threw a vase and it looked like my life the moment after it hit the wall._

_Maybe I need to let you go. Completely. But I don’t want to._

_Love,_

_Niehaus_


	6. Hopefully Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank all of you who sent me such encouraging comments and told me how this fic made you cry and yet you loved it. It pleases me to know that this is appreciated and I'm also very proud of this fic. It's the first chaptered fic that I have ever written this far on and yes, it only consists of letters but I have everything planned. It will be around 10 chapters long so just 4 more to go! Thanks again and I hope you will enjoy this chapter. If there is anything you wish to read, give me a comment on it. Just not "bring back Delphine", kay? xx
> 
> also, sorry for the shortness of this chapter! It ended slightly angsty and I imagined Cosima not wanting to delve deeper into it on her vacation.

_March 24th, 2019_

 

_Dear Delphine,_

 

_Hi. I’m in Barcelona, Spain now, finally. I’ve been here for almost a week and honestly it’s great. But lonely. What did I expect when I went alone I don’t know but I miss about everyone right now. Anyway, it’s warm. The water is beautiful and food is beyond and the cocktails are so sugary sweet I don’t really know what to do. I was strolling down the coast when I suddenly was invited by a pair of girls to a beach party taking place like just there and at first I wanted to say no but then I was like; but this is kinda why I want to Spain in the first place. Like it felt so me to be spontaneous so I followed them. I must say it was the most fun I’ve had in years. As you would know. I let myself dance with this sweet spanish girl. She could speak English fairly well and it wasn’t really important since we only danced. Until she bought me one, two, three cocktails and a beer and I had to turn down a joint and then we spoke (I’m still too happy with my lungs but I’d accept a brownie). It was fascinating to try and communicate but I managed to learn her name was María and she went to school to learn English so she could study in England later. So she was glad to have met me for that reason. She had a dog so we spoke about dogs a lot. We will meet again tomorrow to eat dinner._

_Delphine, I know you’d want me to move on. To love again. I do know that. But it is so very hard to do so when I miss you every day and I feel guilty to even think about falling in love again. My heart kinda always belongs to you. So I know that it’s not your forgiveness that I seek when I say that this girl is really attractive and that I maybe want to kiss her and be with her a little during my stay. It’s my forgiveness. I am not happy, I feel lonely. I’ve been hanging out with everyone. I joined in on a simple movie night before I left with Sarah and Cal and Kira and Lucas. Felix and Scott was there too. We had pizza and wine and popcorn and it was just a great time but I still felt so lonely. Sarah had Cal and Scott had Felix and I didn’t have you. I talked to Felix about it and he still insists on me getting laid, And I think he might be right, right? Like maybe that’s something that’ll work for me. Or maybe not._

_Yeah I said I talked to Felix. I gotta say, I’m getting better at talking about all this. I went like three and a half year acting like everything was so damn fine when it wasn’t. Felix understands everything. He’s so open and always knows what to say even though he never really liked you. But he supports me and like the only one who dares to address the elephant in the room with a bit of humor instead of acting like I’m made of glass when it comes to you. He did that too after we broke up but I guess your death made him a bit more considerate and it’s only now that he’s starting to do it again. For which I am glad. Like I feel like I need someone to slap me in the face sometimes when I’m getting into that weird place in my head where I focus on nothing but work._

_You would look great in a dress on this beach, by the way. Strolling down the shoreline with a drink in your hand and me in your other. We both know I would pull you into the water and at first you would be shocked and your nose would scrunch up in that cute way it does when you’re annoyed and I’d make a joke about how this is not the most wet and messy state I’ve put you in. Then you’d laugh and splash water in my face before we make out and then a guy would catcall us and we’d flip him off, right? And Delphine! I already know which restaurant I’d take you to. They serve this amazing shrimp thing with a cool Spanish name that I’ll never dare to pronounce and oysters, which I hate and you love (oh the irony)._

_How’s it going up there by the way? I visited your grave before I left and the graveyard was empty and cold. I put some flowers by your headstone and I gave you half of my eskimo pie and I didn’t feel you there because why would you linger near your nothingness? It’s just a physical place to go to whenever I miss you. Sometimes, it’s hard to feel you with me. Sometimes you’re so close it’s suffocating. When I’m feeling your presence, it’s when I least expect it. Like doing laundry and suddenly I can smell your shampoo or when I’m dressing and I feel the warmth of your skin. Or when I’m writing these letters and your voice is on repeat in my mind. Yeah. Sometimes you’re suffocating me and I don’t know what to do._

_Now I’m going for a swim and maybe you’re not what’ll drown me tonight._

_Love_

_Cosima_

 


	7. Mad World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! Thanks for all the comments on the last chapter, I've seen you and listened to you. I will answer as soon as possible. I've been away for a few days on this amazing trip so I only got back now to write and post this. I hope you enjoy this and I will ask you to listen to Mad World performed by Jasmine Thompson while reading this letter. For extra pain. I try to write not so short  
> letters but Cosima can only cope so long before collapsing in a heap of tears.
> 
> TRIGGER: death wish

_February 22nd, 2020_

_Dear Delphine,_

_I’ve been dreaming about you a lot. I’ve been missing you a lot. I never thought I’d be the one to mourn a love this much but I guess it’s more intense since you kinda disappeared permanently. It’s almost five years ago and it feels like five hundred years yet five minutes ago. I can still envision the exact time Sarah called me. It was a Saturday and I’ve just eaten lunch and watched two episodes of Orange Is The New Black (you know the one with Poussey, the inmate you adored) and then Sarah just called. She told me she had talked to Mrs S who had somehow gotten the information and she wanted to talk to me. I was confused because Sarah sounded so strange and as if she had to walk on eggshells around me. Anyway, I ended up at S’s and they told me to sit down on their frigging couch and drink a cup of frigging tea before they dropped the friggin bomb._

_”Delphine is–”_

_And then I couldn’t hear another word. Just ”blood loss” and ”gun powder” and I actually forgot I was supposed to breathe but that was easier said than done and Sarah held me when I still denied what they just said. I refused to believe and I demanded to call you and I did. They let me because I was screaming. I called and left voicemails, telling you how much I missed you and wondered if you wanted to go out the next day to that french place. The one that reminded you of your mother’s cooking. I also told you about a cat that I met on a walk earlier that day. I think I called over ten times that night. Apparently I fell asleep with the phone under my head while waiting for you to call me back._

_It wasn’t a pretty sight, Delphine. The pain was not a pretty feeling and I believed my heart had evaporated. I was not allowed to be alone, I got anti depressants prescribed and I spent three weeks on Sarah’s couch while the world went on in a blur, completely unknowing of me losing the love of my life._

_It took five days before I collapsed in tears on the kitchen floor. I was making tea and I burned my fingers on the mug, which resulted in me burning my toes and I just lost it. I couldn’t handle it because suddenly everything slipped through my fingers and all I saw behind my eyelids were you – cold and bleeding and alone. I wanted to hold you, my whole being ached to have you there. To have you beside me and scolding me playfully for being clumsy. I’ve never felt so small as I did on that floor with socks soaked in hot water and my fingers tangled in my dreads. Felix found me on the floor and he picked me up. I leaned onto him when I visited your memorial when all I wanted was to sink trough the dirt and join you._

_Anyway, the reason I’m telling you it’s because when I dream about you, it’s always the images I conjured up those first weeks of your absence. Only now you’re bleeding in my arms and I wish the bullet had hit me instead. People like you – people who sacrifices everything and demand nothing in return – they deserve to live. You deserved to live. To enjoy wine and french cigarettes and lovers and the sun and the moon. I feel like crap knowing what you did for us and yet you were the one who ended up not hanging around anymore. I wake up relieved it was only a dream but then I realized it wasn’t._

_Yesterday though, I dreamt that it was me dying. Probably from all the wishing. I woke up and cried when I realized it was only a dream._

_Please Delphine, come back or help me get rid of this pain._

 

_Love,_

_Cosima_

 


	8. I'm Giving Up On Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER: Mentions of suicide attempt and self hatred.  
> This is the saddest chapter so far.   
> Song: Say Something - A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera 
> 
> I updated yesterday too so make sure chapter 7 is read.

_July 15th, 2020_

_Dear Delphine,_

_I’m sorry Delphine. But the thing is, I don’t know what I’m sorry for. Sorry for giving up on me or sorry for giving up on your hopes in me. You see, I do remember everything you told me when you said I had to keep the sequence genome and Kendall Malone safe. I know that by requesting me that, you also requested me to live my life as normal as I could and believe me when I say that I have tried. Every day I tried. The thing is though is that I never did it for me. It was always for you even though I’ve been telling myself I lived for me. Until I just couldn’t. Delphine, this will be my goodbye._

_Do you know how hard it is to live for someone who doesn’t even live herself? Every waking up is a struggle. And three weeks ago was too much to handle and a bottle of painkillers and sleeping pills were too close and I woke up in a hospital bed. Seething with self loathing. I’ve never felt so pathetic in my entire life. Ashamed because I tried, and angry as fuck because I failed. Have you ever been so full of self hatred that just waking up is the worst case scenario possible?_

_I’ve realized that I feel responsible for your death. I blame myself. I should’ve known you were in danger. I mean come on, of course you would be in danger if Neolution was out to hunt us down. The head of fricking DYAD should’ve been the biggest fucking target and I didn’t know. I can’t help but ask what would’ve happened if I came with you, demanded to make sure you were alright when you so clearly wasn’t. I wish I could’ve gotten to you before you got to me. I’m so sorry._

_I feel sorry for Harley. I mean how could I be so fucking selfish? I hate myself. I also feel incredibly sorry for Sarah and Alison and Helena and Scott and Felix and Kira and Lucas and Oscar and Gemma and just okay I fucking hate myself because of how selfish I am. This self hatred… It’s so consuming. No one deserves to have someone like me in their lives, right? People should have friends and family who don’t fuck up because they’re alone and their loves die. People should have friends and family who gets their shit together. People like you deserves to live but look how fucking unfair the world is. Why do good people get the worst?_

_I’ve been talking to my therapist about these letters and she says this is a good thing and I should keep writing you once a week to help me cope with this sadness and try to keep you close. I don’t know, this sometimes make me feel like you’re around but not close enough. I could’ve handle distance but death is too far away for me. I told her that I probably wasn’t ready to commit myself to a memory and I’d rather just get as far away from you as possible. So this will be my goodbye and I think you’ll understand. I will stop talking about my pathetic excuse of a life._

_I love you because you’re brilliant. You’re so very clever and I remember we awed at the wonders of the world and then you became the grandest universe I ever awed. I love you because you’re not only the most beautiful person on the outside; the way you loved and wondered gave beauty a new meaning._

_In the end, I guess we’re like matter and anti matter. We annihilate each other. Even though my stuff is still surviving it’s sure not living and if there is such a thing as a soul, it’s gone now. My soul can’t exist if it’s opposite can’t attract it and when meeting it’s anti-particle – which was apparently also you – it shattered and now it’s gone. I tried hating you for being gone and I kind of succeeded with the intensity of an imploding sun but it didn’t help one thing when it was just a big fat lie._

_I just wish you were given a second chance just as I was and I am so very sorry that I’m giving up on us. Maybe give me a sign or something, or whatever. I guess I’m done now._

_Goodbye memory of you._

 

_Kind regards,_

_Cosima_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end.


	9. Hear You Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your support! You're making this story so worth the pain to write and here is a not that angsty letter. I'm thinkng of writing a very fluffy and sweet domestic Cophine fic after this to make up for all the tears, would you want to read it? Anyway, enjoy this! We're reaching the end of this fic ;)   
> Song of the chapter: Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World

_October 4th, 2024_

 

_Dear Delphine,_

_I gave myself four years of recovering my depression and four years helped me heal. I know that I will never forget you– nor do I want to – but I’ve gotten over your death. I’ve gotten over the fact that the last time I saw you, you were in tears and you wanted me to give my sisters all your love. Now I’m in a happier place; I live, I smile and laugh and I enjoy simple things in life. I managed to save myself and I have never been so proud of myself._

_Four years have given me time to heal and it left scars, of course, but it has also given me time to learn how to cherish the time I had with you. Since I stopped writing you letters, you somehow seemed to be closer. I think it was because instead of clinging onto some kind of version I had of you, I let you into my life. I wasn’t forcing you to stay with me. At first I was devastated because, if I didn’t write to you or remember you, how would you ever stay? You know the thing they always say in books and movies about people never really dying? It’s very true although it’s hard not seeing you frown or smile every now and then. I’m not saying I’m hurting because I’m not. I’m only writing you this because I feel ready._

_Okay I’m gonna update: Scott and Felix are not together anymore although they’re great friends. Felix is such a free spirit, he will never be able to settle down with anyone. But hey, my spirit was also kinda free until you came along and attached it to your french little self and I had never been happier. Who knows what will happen? It’s nice that he is still Felix though since everyone else is changing and settling. Kira grew up to be a little mischief, just like mommy dearest. Alison and Donnie sent Oscar to college two years ago and next year it’s Gemma’s turn. Helena and a guy named Jessie have raised the babka kid together very well and she is so funny! She’s eight – soon nine – named Julia and she has her mother’s smile and sense of humor. Julia loves ballet and dreams to become an astronaut and I tell her to reach for the stars. Lucas is also such a sweet kid. I swear he melts hearts and wrap them around his tiny fingers wherever he is. I spoil him with gifts and visits to the lab at the university. he’s so fascinated by all the tubes and microscopes and blue little poitions, as he likes the call them, that I’ll never let him touch. By the way, I’m a professor. Just so you know, it looks good on your resume if you have been employed by DYAD and I managed to work my way up to the position. I love working with young brilliant minds, it’s so refreshing seeing all their hopes and dreams reflecting in their eyes. Kinda reminds me of you and I all those years ago._

_When Lucas was two he thought my dreads were the most fascinating thing he’d ever laid eyes upon. He played with them just like you once did and sometimes he put them in his mouth and calls me ’Sima. Apparently hair must taste good because it was a struggle to force them out of his chubby fist and small teeth. I read him european fairy tales and ancient greek mythology when he was four, although I left some PG stuff out of course. I’m gonna corrupt him too just as I did with Kira and I gotta say it’s way easier since I was around when he came freshly baked out of the oven. Sarah just rolls her eyes whenever I start talking to him about conspiracy theories, probably regretting her decision to let me have such influence on him. Can you see I love this kid a lot? I love my role as a godmother and I’ve taken it seriously 100%. Some days I still dream I could be a mother to our kids._

_Well, that’s it I guess. I just wanted to say hi and now I’m gonna grab something to eat before I leave for movie night with some colleagues. I hope you're okay._

_Love,_

_Cosima_

 


	10. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song of the chapter: Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters

_March 23rd, 2025_

_Dear Delphine,_

_The love of my life, the one who stole a piece of me and didn’t give it back. I’m dreaming about us. We are in a big bright kitchen. Two toddlers are hanging from our legs and another child is perched up on the counter, humming Beyonce while stealing cookie dough from our bowl when we’re not looking. The small humans around our feet are giggling and asking for more chocolate while we’re trying to make something that resembles chocolate chip cookies. You are covered in flour and wiping your cheeks with powdery hands, making even more of a mess and I’m teasing you because never in my life could I have believed someone as immaculate and amazing as Delphine Cormier could be bad at something like baking. But we must be doing something right since our children are eating the batter and laughing at our disheveled state, it must taste somewhat good, right?_

_I love the dream and it keeps appearing every night. Waking up is sad but I wake up with a feeling of being completely calm and content but it is soon replaced with a feeling of loss and emptiness and I just kinda want to go to sleep again kinda want to forget the dream altogether. It’s just a reminder of what we’ll never have and I don’t want to cling to it. I should be free. Free, healthy and warm. Out conquering the real world instead of fighting the one inside me._

_I am forty one years old. I’ve been through a lot and I am a lot. I am humanity’s greatest and most feared success, an experiment that shouldn’t have seen the sunlight and felt its warmth. Yet I have and you amplified its light and left me blinded, fumbling in the dark. Ten years have come and gone and somehow it feels like two lifetimes. Each minute has been a day and each day has been a minute and now I’m here._

_You see Delphine, I’m unable to write this letter myself._

_Lucas and Julia were kidnapped three months ago. Helena went berserk and Sarah thought she would explode in anger. It was, of course, Neolution. They wanted blood, bone marrow, egg cells from little Julia and then to keep them and raise them to create new clones. Super clones that were healthy and strong and didn’t get any lung sicknesses or glitches. Sarah managed to locate their headquarters and Helena killed three people and broke four arms and three legs of some guards and then they were free. The Neolutionists are wiped out and it feels like the whole world’s attention were directed at them for a while. It took two months for it all to calm down._

_Then what should never have happened happened and now I am sick again. I’m laying in this godforsaken hospital bed while Kira is writing while I’m dictating and I’m coughing up blood and the stem cell treatment doesn’t work anymore. I have never felt this weak and out of control of my body. I’m slipping in and out of consciousness and I think this is the third day attempting to write this letter. I have only a few days left of my life and I wanted this last piece of us to remain in this world after I’ve joined you in the blissful state of unliving. I’m awaiting you to bring me from my life like you once brought me back to it._

_I think I’m ready, you know. Obvs I’m not going to live anyway so I got no other choice than to just embrace it. But I do feel a bit guilty that your death makes mine easier. Don’t get me wrong. I hated every minute of your absence and your death did things to me that I wish I had not experienced. I’m happy that I didn’t take my own life, that I got these last years with my family, and my nieces and nephews to corrupt and teach and hug and kiss. But now I got something to look forward to, you or unawareness and both sounds rather tempting right now. I just want this pain and these wheezing coughs and blood to end. I’m making Kira cry so I should talk about happier things._

_Do you remember the first time we met? When I went to give you your grades after having a sneak peek at them and saw that you were a brilliant scientist with great hair and a pretty accent. I think I fell in love at your ”enchanté” and I think you fell for my americanized slaughtering of the same word as well. I then remember when we stole those bottles and you said we had ”a jogging” and you were so beautiful with flushed cheeks from the cold and this otherworldly smile squeezed my heart you had not yet laid bleeding in a garage at that point.Things were calm._

_Now It’s time to say good bye. Forever this time. I’m going to spend my last days with my family and we’re going to cry and laugh and my charming smile is going to make everything a bit less dark. Kira says hello and that she loves me and she loves you. She doesn’t remember much but she wonders how you kept your hair so thick and shiny and soft. We should haunt her on our first dead day or night – whatever term you use as a deadling – and then you can show her some of your tricks. It’s not needed because she got great hair already but hey, that’s the least we could do before we take off into the astral plane._

_Everyone’s here now and Kira can’t anymore._

_Goodnight Delphine, see you soon._

_Forever Yours,_

_Cosima_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can spew every word you know at me but please DON'T KILL ME!! I have an epilogue to post so wait until after that. Just to let you know, this was never intended to be a happy story. I'm working on one happy really sappy and fluffy one that I'll start posting after the epilogue.  
> Edited: Thanks cosima23 for correcting her age!


	11. Epilogue: Gone Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs of the chapter: Gone Away - SafetySuit/Between The Bars - Elliott Smith

_September 6th, 2025_

_Chère Cosima,_

_Ma chérie, mon amour. Ten years have passed. Ten years later and I am finally free to tell you. I am at last free to explain what happened on this day all those years ago. At first, I want to tell you that I hope you lived your life full of love and happiness, being surrounded by your sisters and friends and family. I hope you surrounded yourself with everything you deserve – and that is, mon petit chiot – everything. Cosima you are worthy of a safe life in certainty, free to explore and reveal. A life that I was never able to give to you._

_Secondly, I want to apologize. I want to tell you how sorry I am that my whereabouts were hidden from you. Although what I want to apologize the most for is how I treated you all those years ago. I lied to you from the beginning only for you to find out in tears what I had kept from you. The lies became a web of untruths that harmed not only me but you the most. I will live with that guilt for the rest of my life. I betrayed you to the point where you kept your health, or lack of it, away from me. I made you afraid of me to the point where you felt threatened on the behalf of your sisters and those were never my intentions. I have always wanted to make you happy, mon amour. In the end, nothing else mattered._

_Now, the explanation. I was shot, as you might have found out one way or another. There was a lot of blood and I was left to bleed till the brink of death. Neolution was behind it all and I will not tell you who shot me in case you are still in danger. Anyway, I was shot and taken. They wanted to keep me captured since I held so much valuable knowledge about all of the clones and to keep me they threatened to end you and Sarah and Alison and Helena. They watched you all day, all night. You might have noticed or sensed and those suspicions were in that case correct. Neolution had me in a tight grip that I could not get out of and I was a captive. The only way for me to have gotten out of their claws would have been to die myself but even that was impossible. Not to say it would have been unwise since I at least could keep a watch on their work. They promised me all of yours’ safety in return for help with research in genetics and cloning. However, when I found out what they had done and who they had forcefully brought from their family, I knew I could not trust their promises anymore._

_When Sarah rescued Julia and Lucas and brought down Neolution, I managed to escape. In the midst of all the chaos I slipped away unnoticed and have been hidden at an old friend’s house. My first thought was to get to you, to make sure all of you were okay since I was unsure what happened after the big reveal about Neolution’s plans regarding creating a new human specie. I remember finding information some years ago that you had succeeded in healing yourself – which was my greatest relief, you alive was all that mattered – but after that I was not allowed anywhere near your files. When I got free, I wanted to see for myself that you were alive and well but then I could not find your address and I decided that bringing myself into your life would be unwise._

_For some time, I was completely alone. I had nothing since my existence was destroyed after I was shot and I only had my old friend’s trust to rely on. Don’t get me wrong, my love, I wanted to see you. I still do. Although I respect that you have moved on and are living a life without me. As you should. Barging into your life would be disrespectful after ten years of radio silence. Hence this letter. I can’t stay away completely and I want you to know the truth because you’re worth the truth but I also want you to know that your wellbeing means more than my selfish desire to go see you. My love still glows strong and it has never faltered. Never will. To keep myself sane I tried to imagine you with me in that lab. Even if it was a prison, it could’ve been a heaven for every scientist and you would’ve loved it. I imagined your eyes widening in awe and the memory of your cheeky grin shone like a beacon through my darkest days. I couldn’t have done it without you, my love._

_However, if you want a chance to see me, to yell at me and hit me with every grievance and pain I might have caused you, I will give you the chance. If you want closure, just a few words to tie a knot on our memories then meet me at that French café a few blocks away from the old DYAD building two weeks from this date around 4 p.m. I will know that you want nothing with me if you don’t show up and then this letter is our final goodbye. I promise I will never try to contact you or your family again and I wish you a happy life full of love, ma chérie._

_Give your sisters all my love._

_Cordialement à vous,_

_Delphine_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we reached the end guys! I know it was not what we would've wanted but I wanted to explore how Cosima would handle it if Delphine was dead. Now, just to make it even more heartbreaking - let both live but unable to be with each other, Cosima completely unaware of Delphine's whereabouts through the rest of her life. 
> 
> This was wonderful and painful to write and I'm so happy to have gotten your support through it all. I hope you will stay tuned for my new Cophine fic that will soon be up; less angst and waaay more fluff!
> 
> If you wanna chat or something, follow me on tumblr and twitter with the same url: sapphicqueens.  
> See ya!


	12. Alternative Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to write an alternative epilogue. As OKImafan pointed out, I forgot to name the last entry "epilogue", which is edited now, and here's an alternative ending to this tragic love story. Remember, this is not the official one and I never intended to write this but on several requests, I did. I will not change the ending for this was never going to be a happy story. You can't demand a published author to change their work and the same goes for me. I understand the frustration; we read fanfiction just because we don't want this kind of ending in the show. However, some stories need to be written.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy this final goodbye of Dear Delphine.  
> Song: Birdy's cover of Skinny Love

Inside a café, just a few blocks away from the long bankrupt DYAD Institute, a lonely woman was sitting by a window. The mid September sun was shining and its warmth amplified by the glass separating her from the small nip in the air the fall brought with it. Ten long years have gone and passed since she last had felt the freedom and peace an ordinary café could provide and she breathed in its calming scent of pastry and freshly brewed coffee with a newly found appreciation. 

She ran a hand through her golden locks and every time the bell signaled a new customer, her gaze would land upon the person entering in hope it would be a certain _someone_. Two scenarios played through her mind. In one, the person in question would barge in, demanding answers in tears of anger and betrayal and in the other, the door would never open to reveal _her_. However, there was a small part in the blond lonely woman sitting by the window that hoped she would be met with a smile. But it was just a small flicker of hope that had to be ignored for the sake of her heart. 

Either way, if her long lost lover would show up, her heart would sing and her body would react to the warmth that radiated not from the sun but from somewhere within and from a pair of eyes behind thick framed glasses. 

The clock showed 4.21 p.m when the lonely woman started to accept scenario number two and just as she was preparing herself to leave, the door swung open and her heart sang and she felt warm. The clock still showed 4.21 when the blood in her veins and arteries froze and boiled, drowning out all sounds but her breathing and a shiver ran along her spine and _she knew._  

It was, biologically speaking, the same pair of eyes that now looked at her and the same pair of lips that gave away no smile. But it was not _her_. All it took was a small nod of the brunette’s head to know that she would never see those eyes behind those glasses again. The woman that was her but was not _her_ gestured for the lonely woman to follow her and she rose, her fast mind working and this was not 324B21 because 324B21 was no more. And the fall’s early chill reached the marrow of her bones.

”I am going to be honest with you here, when I first saw the letter I wanted to rip it to pieces but then I remembered that I have a lot to thank you for, personally. On the behalf of my dear sister, I wanted to rip your head off but then I read the letter and we have even more to thank you for,” the brunette spoke in her thick cockney accent, ”come with me to the cemetery.”  And the blonde nodded, her mind gone and blaming herself for not being there when the reason she survived through all those years had needed her the most. Not in a sentimental way but there was a time when they had made crazy science and they could have done it again. To save her. 

The cemetery was quiet and she felt numb but the sun was still shining and the leaves had begun to turn yellow. 

”She wrote letters addressed to you but I think she wrote them more for herself,” the other woman handed her a wooden box that had surely belonged to her sister. As she touched the smooth surface her heart screeched and guilt and sorrow and joy and love thrummed in her chest but her mind was still numb and she held the first and the last item her love had dedicated to her. 

They walked between the headstones, the blonde following the brunette until she just stopped. 

During her ten years as a prisoner, her only connection to any human emotion had been her memories. _Their_ memories. Images of toothy grins and soft hands and the taste of a certain ice cream were remnants of what was once and hopes of what would be. Now they never would be and they would forever only be _once._  

”She died loved by all and she died loving all. She died loving you, still.” 

She was six months – no, ten years – too late and she only had letters that was verification of her absence and she wanted to sink through the earth and –

Her knees reached the ground and some essence of her being evaporated to join the cosmic when she realized where she herself was buried. Two headstones, two memories and one body. Although, it felt like she could have been resting six foot deep, three foot away from what had mattered the most. 

”Thank you for meeting me,” the blonde said and opened the box of letters. 

_Dear Delphine,_

”Kira helped with the last letter, she was too weak to write it herself,” the brunette said.  _Wince. Pain. Stab. Numb._    

_Dear Delphine,_

”She learned to love again after everything. God, my silly super intelligent sister. I loved her so much. Still do.” 

_Dear Delphine,_

Even through the knowledge of her death, even through the numbing pain, she felt a strange serenity. She had saved them ten years ago and she had protected them. She had kept them safe by letting herself be held captive and she had given her love a new chance at building a life without her lies and deceit. Ten years ago, a part of her had died even though her body had not and that part was buried beside – 

”Mon petit chiot…” the whisper mixed with the silent wind and was gone. 

”Call me if you need to... talk, or anything.” 

And the lonely woman wept, for she had loved and would learn to love again. For _her_.

 


End file.
